I became pregnant in 2015 with my ex partner he decided he wanted nothing to do with either of us and I did my pregnancy alone. Throughout the pregnancy my hormones peaked and I was thankful of my job to keep me sane if thats the correct word.
I found from the 2nd trimester around 14weeks I became increasingly anxious but I was almost in denial and tried to shrug it off. I became obsessed with my health and would spend whole days in bed on google looking for conditions that seemed to match my symptoms. - I was pregnant but in my head dying.By the third trimester I found myself visiting any medical professional from drs nurses to dentists not believing their medical opinions and refering back to google for self diagnosis. My pregnancy became taken over by this and family and friends noticed this too. In my head though this was normal.
I was induced and went into labour I hemorrhaged and ended up having a large 3rd degree tear which needed surgery. This I thought would just heal and it would be a physical wound. Whilst in hospital I discovered I then needed blood transfusions. This was the peak of my anxiety I was absolutely terrified. You name it I thought it. From HIV to dying to every illness associated with blood. I had the blood and went home the week after. I stayed with my mum and am forever grateful I did. I know everyone says you're emotional after birth but I was utterly a mess. I was constantly crying I began having panic attacks - Very clearly I remember being in tesco car park unable to fold my pram and I thought i was going to be sick. I cried I couldnt breathe my heart was pounding and I couldnt function properly. I felt like I had this lovely baby and I was incompatant. What if something happened to me or her?
I couldnt sleep, I couldnt from then on leave the house. The midwives came out daily but none i felt really asked or twigged onto the fact that I was so down. They assumed they were the normal baby blues.
I am a person thats always got makeup on and with hair done and everything else. Well I was the opposite. My mum took me to the gp. She told me it was for baby clinic(it wasnt of course) .. that day for me was a turning point.
The gp was absolutely amazing and spent a long time listening to me and gave me advice and started me on Sertraline a tablet for anxiety and depression. These took a few weeks and few side effects to kick in properly and work but gradually I became slightly brighter and I began bonding more with my daughter and needing my mum to help me less with the everyday tasks with her.
I took the tablets for nearly a year with bumps low points and a lot of highs. I am now able to do things that I wouldn't have inagined this time last year. I go to baby groups, I go to courses and training in my area things where anxiety has over come me and prevented me previously. I got with my partner, I moved to my own home and although I still get very low times i feel i can cope and use managing strategies to control the thoughts and feelings without the use of tablets now.
I wanted to share my story, apologees that its a long one to show that although anxiety is a horrible demon with persistence support and belief you can control it. I wear elastic bands or bobbles on my wrist and whenever i get the urge to panic think into something irrational or google i twang it and 9/10 i stop my train of negative thoughts and am almost brought back to reality?